Some words

Feeling out of sorts.
A little attacked.
And very, very tired for the past few days.
Might be getting sick.
Might be getting a little disenchanted with the college life already.
Dreaming about eating at Chand's Vegetarian Palace, taking my dogs on walks and hugging my family good morning again.
Weird to hear what people say behind my back. Never really thought about it before until two friends brought very different reports of the impression I have made on two different people. It's weird to think about so I try not to.
Chores and homework are a comfortable rhythm, a calming pattern. It's good to be busy.
I miss Brittany already, although I know she transferred for a good reason.
My Thailand girls still refer to me as their RA. I don't correct them.

Losing weight is on my mind. Just a little. But again, weird to think about because of all the baggage I have left behind on that issue. I feel like I'm not supposed to worry about my body because that means I'm going to be anorexic again, and that's a terrible place to be emotionally and physically that I never want to be again.
It's hard to find a balance between healthy and unworried and controlling/self-concerned about weight, mostly because I could not find you a single woman who can do it perfectly.
I am realizing that I am very jealous of my friends and their attention sometimes. God is using it to teach me His holy jealousy, and I am in awe and hopefully on the road to being humbled.

I feel like I am holding on tightly to the contentment I have recently found, and everything around me is trying to rip it out of my hands. Eating alone? Other people are more loved than you. Skipping church? Other people are closer to God than you. Forgetting homework? Other people are smarter than you. Doing my RA job poorly? Other RAs are better at this job than you. Being late all the time? Other people balance their lives better than you. And constantly feeling like I'm missing something vital, and I know it's God, I know it's Him, but I feel like a little leaf in a big river being carried away from where I want to be to where I'm going and I'm never sure if they're the same place.

It's very hard to be the person who is open about not having it together. My most favorite recent motto is "be brave with your stories so others can be brave, too." It is a terrifying place to live because not many people follow you there. In Acting class, Kimi was open about how she was going to counseling, and she helped me be brave, so I said, raise your hand if you're going to counseling and we both raised our hands and smiled, and everyone else in our small group just looked at us stupidly. "Guess you all are perfect then," I said jokingly. But I realized again that being an honest person is very taxing and incredibly sad sometimes, because it can feel lonely.

Too much sadness. I'm going to go shower out my teased-out fro from last night's dance and think about not myself.