Been wrestling with the self-esteem monster lately. Not very much, but it pops out every now and then; here is a poem I just wrote where I literally felt like a monster. Note, caring friends: I do not feel like this 99.3% of the time. However, maybe some of you will relate to this momentary snippet of my life. That's why it's here.
Scene at Beans
Watching
you, my contentment and confidence disappears.
All splayed
out, ogre-awkward, uncomfortable in my small
chair,
legs sprawling, ratty sweatshirt, rumpled hair
And I
watch. And I wonder.
Is it
your sweet compliments that hold him there?
Is it
your fluttery outfit that makes him stare?
Or were
you just born with the right words to say?
Watching
you, I am bewildered.
Swirling
coffee in calculated flicks
like a
fisherman with a rod, reel reel
real. Is
that real? Little glances aside and flattering giggles
following
a script, glossed Republican lips
pursing
around acceptable topics
his eyes
following, hypnotized.
Watching
you, I perch on my chair like a gargoyle
in all my
reality and controversy
wallowing
in wondering
if I
could ever make myself into that kind of woman
and knowing
I do not want to.
Haven't read your blog in a while. Glad work was cancelled and I took the time to today.
ReplyDeleteI felt like this yesterday :)
I love poetry. I love that God gave us poetry. Here's one by Jim Elliot that I love deeply:
What is this, Lord Jesus, that Thou shouldst make an end
Of all that I possess, and give Thyself to me?
So that there is nothing now to call my own
Save Thee; Thyself alone my treasure.
Taking all, Thou givest full measure of Thyself
With all things else eternal--
Things unlike the mouldly pelf by earth possessed.
But as to life and godliness-- all things are mine
And in God's garments dressed I am
With Thee, an heir to riches in the spheres divine.
Strange, I say, that suffering loss
I have so gained everything in getting
Me a friend who bore a cross.
Luke 15:31 "And he said to him, 'Son, you are always with me..."
This is beautiful and very appropriate. Love you Zann.
ReplyDeleteI love the last two lines of this! I always think about whether or not I could be the person that I want to be. Then I realize I don't want to be the person that I want to be, I want to be myself, even though that's a pretty messy, tomboyish, unappealing person most of the time.
ReplyDeleteAlso oops for being like a billion days late on this, but I always forget I have a blog and then I go to the homepage and see all the things I have missed.