dreams and desire

You're getting a rare peek today of something I wrote in my journal a few days ago that I thought might resonate with a lot of you.

I can get trapped in myself and my dreams sometimes. A certain lonely feeling will take hold of me as I'm chopping peppers, weave itself around my heart as I watch a TV show I do not like, squeeze tight as I check my empty phone for texts, and squeeze even tighter still as I stare into my tired midnight eyes, running my fingers through my hair and wondering if I will ever feel important or beloved, looking through the mirror at the woman I wish I wasn't.

It is exactly this familiarly sad rhythm that reminds me once again, for the millionth time, that I will not feel alright when I have a diploma or a boyfriend or a job or a studio in Brooklyn. When I am removed from my busyness, I do not find escape. I find myself again, and with her, all the sorrow, aches and pangs my self-centered dreams give me. It is, of course, all to remind me what my heart truly longs for. It is my Beloved -- and He is mine. All I want is Him, and He is the only thing that could ever satisfy that desire, which I so carelessly misplace daily into other things. All my delight is in You, Lord. Every longing I have ever had and ever will have pulls me magnetically to You, because You are enough. I go to bed safe, secure and satisfied. Lord, You are enough.