Dammit, guys. I'm the worst mix of lonely, discontent, grumpy, bored and depressed. It's like an emotional smoothie except none of the ingredients are good for me.
Also probably listening to Lana Del Rey on repeat is not helping.
But maybe this resonates with some of you -- which is why I'm writing it -- and if it doesn't, well, I'm happy for you. Go read something more fun. Mlehhh.
I'm playing mommy for my little brothers this week, which I hate. It's been about 5 days and I'm already a radical feminist..again. All I do is drive them places and cook them food and keep them from fighting each other and stay at home and clean the house and work from home. Which is something I'm used to from senior year WAIT THE SAME SENIOR YEAR THAT I HATED MY WHOLE LIFE? yes that one. Sure, there are some bright moments, like working out with my baby brother Caleb at the gym and having Elijah tell me he loves me (which he didn't used to do). But most of the time it's just a mixture of hard and boring.
I'm a little depressed. Not in the way I have been in the past. That would actually be easier to deal with. This depressed-ness comes and goes. Most of the time it's not even here. But it comes out when I think about other people in my life going on lavish vacations, spending fun time with friends on camping trips and parties and movies. And having friends around that would do those things. But let's be real. Going to college changes things about your friendships at home. Like, they fade. So I have a few friends that I still hang out with. But it's different now. In fact, the highlight of my summer was visiting college friends for a weekend, so much so that I cried as I drove back to New Jersey wishing I didn't have to go back.
It's also hard to work at a place that well, doesn't pay me. And to feel exhausted all the time. For all of you who thinking working at a homeless shelter is glamorous...it isn't. It's a third world country inside New Jersey, and it's grimy and uncomfortable and gritty and not a lot of people tell you thank you. But it's very rewarding. I think 50% of the air in my lungs is smoke and I've never smoked before in my life. I've learned how to say "I don't understand" in Creole (Mwen conprenn pa). I've seen the face of a child looking at the ocean for the first time. I've met some of the most beautiful people in the world. And I have seen the ugly face of poverty in the lives of people I now am proud to consider my friends. And I hurt for them. But I'm also blessed by their joy, because it's so real.
So what's wrong with me? Why don't I have that joy?
I'm pretty sure I'm cut off from it with a wall of bitterness. I wish I had a strong clique of friends in high school that lasted until after college. I wish I could go to the beach every weekend. I wish I could've been a summer camp counselor or gone traveling. I wished I lived in the city. I wish I wasn't wandering around an empty house feeling like throwing up because of how much I need more people around me.
Lately I've heard two wise things.
The first is that happiness is only real when shared. I have felt the deep ache of that truth this summer. I've been learning the strength of being independent of other people defining my worth, beauty, importance and value. That lesson kind of came at the cost of my own desire to be happy, comfortable, busy, well-liked and sociable. But I'm going back to Grove City a different person. I don't need everyone to love me or be my friend. I also don't really give a damn what people think about me anymore either, because I've learned that no one actually thinks anything, because they're too worried about what other people will think about them. So basically that's all just a waste of time and brainpower. This is a very freeing thing to realize. I suggest you live this way.
The second thing was that loneliness is God's cry for friendship time with you. I saw that on Pinterest and thought it was a sad retarded thing written by a cat lady until I thought wait, I am that cat lady and, oh, that's ok. I've been letting God treat me like a lover (weird for me) for the first time in my life. A verse I'm memorizing is in Hosea 3: "Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly to her." Because that's where this bitter, lonely cat lady is at right now. I am in the wilderness, playing checkers with street kids and trying to get my brothers to get along. And I am being romanced. And I don't need anything else. Nobody's approval. Nobody inviting me to their beach house. Just me and God in the wilderness. The price is painful, but what I am getting in return is absolutely changing me into a different person and hopefully one who is closer to being like Christ than I was yesterday.
I have to go pick up said brothers from practice now. But don't give up on your story, even when it seems like a lame chapter. It might be the one that changes you more than a cool, dramatic one. I hope this encourages other lonely cat ladies. Enjoy the wilderness. Grow up. Stop complaining. Enjoy the romance. And if you're not a cat lady, then what the hell are you doing reading blogs anyway? Love you guys. Bye.