I am crippled by my need to be liked.
It pervades my ability to truly love people because I'm always waiting for approval, acceptance and inclusion.
And that need carries over into my ability to love and be loved by God.
I am running after His thumbs-up, a smile that says, "you go, girl!" I want to be first in line for His love.
This is so weird to realize, since I don't feel like a needy or jealous person in my daily life.
I can totally relate to Martha in the Bible, not because I like doing dishes, but because I am familiar with the bitterness that comes from seeing other people at Jesus' feet, and feeling like the spot is already taken and there is no room for me. This is a bizarre way of thinking about God, but when I see someone completely into worship or reading the Bible or talking about God, I almost back away from His presence, as if He is already occupied and I don't want to bother with vying for His attention.
I think I feel like I have to defer because I experience so much of that in my daily life: I am constantly thinking that yes, I am useful and valuable, but there is always someone who is out there that can do a better job at being a friend, a sister or a daughter than I can, and when I encounter them, they will take my spot as #1 whatever.
This cognitive process (Others are more valuable than me, so I don't want to spend time with God because I am not worth His time) is like a toxic and polluted bitterness factory in my heart. I keep trying to fix myself to please Him and to make Him like me. And I keep failing and getting more bitter and feeling so, so, so cut off from His affection and attention.
But there are some things I am learning since last night's phone conversation with my soul sister Kate.
/// God delights in me just as I am. Every quirk and obsession, every lazy day and awesome productive day, every awkward moment, every Sunday morning at church and every time I yell at someone in French in traffic. He loves me. He wants my love. I am precious to Him.
/// God does not keep score. He does not have an app on His iPhone to keep track of how many times I've skipped reading my Bible because I was super tired. He does not shake His head every time I sin and think, "dang, you ungrateful jerk, not that slipup again!" Jesus erased the scoreboard. God doesn't see the tally marks of points for Good Joanna and Not-so-Good Joanna. He sees Jesus when He looks at my sin. I'm covered.
/// Everyone can be Mary. I do not have to feel jealous when someone else is in love with God, because that love is mine as much as it is theirs. And the point of loving God is that it's so great to be loved that you end up wanting everyone around to be that loved, too, so I am free from that jealousy. I am totally free to be in communion with God all the time without wondering if He's paying attention...because He is totally and completely there with me. "Everyone is God's favorite." (Kate) This ends up freeing me to not only be loved and to enjoy that love, but to love others selflessly and completely, without the need of their approval or acceptance.
/// A day you spend with Jesus is a good day. If you did what you could to love God and love the people around you, you can go to sleep knowing it was a good day. This is a piece of StreetLight wisdom that has comforted me and will continue to comfort me at school during my senior year. Delighted obedience is all that is required. (Obedience is meaningless without a knowledge of how loved I am; being loved and not responding with obedience will be fruitless.)
These might seem like simple, obvious Biblical truths. Well, that's because they are. But they just became very, very real to me in this season of my life. Without accepting God's love, there is a huuuuge brick wall between me and the rest of everything: enjoyment, fulfillment, contentment, changing the world. Because I can't do any of that without knowing who I am -- BELOVED.
I hope this can encourage anybody out there who is having a hard time connecting with God. Look inward. Are you bitter? Do you feel like God is withholding something good from you, like His acceptance or His presence? Because He's NOT. Accept that. Be thankful for His gift of grace-filled love. Then look outward. How is your attitude toward God messing with the way you approach the season and circumstances around you? Are you frustrated with trying to find fulfillment in your job, contentment with your relationships and family, and happiness during a church service? You might be stuck in a Martha (or Joanna) rut of waiting for God's favor and love when it ALREADY belongs to you.
Be free. Live knowing His love, and love because of His love. You are free.
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