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I've been home for almost 3 days. Jesus took that long to get resurrected, so I guess I shouldn't feel bad if it's taken me this long to relax. I've spent the time with church friends and at home, looking at scheduling for next year (dear lord..just looking at these classes is giving me senioritis) and researching what I can do with my big, broad, shiny new canvas of life. Post-graduation: communications position on the missions field, RA at Black Forest Academy in Germany, AmeriCorps working with the homeless, nannying in France, 3-continent cultural immersion 9-month missions trip. among others. Grad schools (for later): UNCG, Denver Seminary. Who knows.
Who knows.
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I am single again, and I am in wonder and also terrified at how vast the universe is to me now that I have crawled out of the little box I had put my life in.
The infinity of God's gentleness has never been so apparent to me as it has in the last few months. His strong fingers pried my perfectly-constructed life plans from my hands as gently as you take something dangerous away from a grabby baby.
I am now staring at a perfectly blank canvas. It smells new, and it's vast and empty. In wonder. Terrified. I lift my paintbrush, hand shaking. I can't just sit here and stare at this. I have to paint something. I have to keep moving.
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Today I held twins. They both stared up at me, entranced by my glasses and bigness. Their curious little fingers clung to my shirt and they smiled whenever I looked at them.
Today I listened to my littlest brother describe his latest nightmares, dreams of angels and falling and death. His teenage pride of rattling off March Madness stats was momentarily eclipsed by his scared 10-year-old's heart.
Today I stroked my friend's hair as she lay shivering in bed, her body twitching to fight off a high fever. Her day was supposed to be a trip to an ad shoot to make connections with directors in Brooklyn, but it ended up being a day of kleenex and ginger ale.
Today I felt a thousand feelings and understood none of them.