Oh hey you.
So I have 9 days left of my freshman year, and I feel a growing sense of dread. Dread to say goodbye to people I'll probably not see until September -- dear friends who have become a second family to me. First semester felt like forever, like nothing could ever change...second semester was so much different. Everything solidified and became more real and deep. Now the people I'm closest to will be so far away from me for three whole months.
I'm especially going to miss my boyfriend and my roommate. Caroline and I have gotten so close this year, and I'm so thankful for her...I've never had such a great girl friend. She is just so up-front and sassy, and she speaks the truth to me when it hurts. I love her so much.
And my man...I spent the afternoon with Cam (last intervis, boohoo) and we were being super wompy about the summer. I am hoping he lands this sweet job in Maryland (2 hours away) instead of living and working in Maine (9 hours). Cam's been the biggest blessing this semester...we've grown so much (especially spiritually), just in the past 3 and a half months. Not having him around is going to feel like having an arm chopped off.
I feel awkward rooming with someone I don't really know next year, since I'll be a freshman RA. I feel terrified of the spotlight of that leadership position. I'm excited but also a little intimidated by all of those girls looking up to me. I'm not afraid of tripping...just of feeling trapped.
On the other hand...my heart has really been softened to the concept of 3 months without those people. [GOD THING!] Because I've recently felt like my Jersey friends are in need of some love, and I need them. In good ways. I miss my family. I miss living with a family, being responsible for someone other than myself.
I'm doing a second interview on Thursday with a company I'm trying to get an internship with. If I do get this job, it'd be basically an unpaid 9-5 job in NYC, taking the subway all over the city and interviewing principals of public schools and designing murals and organizing campaigns and wearing power suits. I'm a fan. And I really need the experience. But it's the biggest volunteer nonprofit in New York, and I don't know how far I've made it through the process. So I'm excited and a little stir-crazy.
So what's keeping me sane in this whirlwind of sentimental stress? What I learned on the missions trip I went on over Easter in Ashland, Kentucky. Man. So much crazy stuff happened, so much that I thought would never work out. Flat tires...broken engines...but He worked it all out, even in those 6 days. It made me see that maybe...maybe...life isn't all about taking an iron to its wrinkles. Life isn't about smoothing out the mountains and valleys, or bridging the gaps in the pattern, or untangling the threads in the tapestry. It isn't.
God works everything out, and we SAY that, we SAY it. . .
But we don't know what that means until He pokes you and points to what He's doing...and there's the click. The knowing that it's going to be ok, more than ok, because it works better than that stupid plan you had, it works because it changes you.
His plan is bigger than my fear.
and that is what He's taught me lately.
I am resting in His power.