Things I would do were I in charge of the fashion world.

It's time to be happy on this blog. It is too deep.

Here are 5 things I would do if I were the fashion boss of the world.

1. Banish monogramming.

I don't know whose idea it was to monogram the crap out of striped polos, canvas tote bags, towels, wine glasses, workout tanks, and travel mugs, but I will use my loads of power to find out and send them to a faraway land where they can engrave, emboss and stitch no more.

No, Mme. Prep, you are not from a medieval family from Denmark with a cool crest that has been passed down from generation to generation that goes all the way back to your Viking heritage. I can only imagine that you are trying to distinguish your beach tote/Vera Bradley backpack/loafers from all the others in your sorority house. If this is so, perhaps you need to diversify your preppy possessions and individualize yourself to the point that you can tell your personal belongings apart from someone else's without needing all three of your initials extravagantly emblazoned on all possible items in your life, like a selfish child writing their name on everything that belongs to them. You disgust me. Boss Joanna will do away with such things.

2. Employ a Sock Bun Management Squad.

You know who you are. You cut up an old sock after seeing it on Pinterest a year ago. Or maybe you recently picked up a plastic, squishy circular device at your local Slightly Hip store and twirled it onto your head. I have news for you: you are the victim of a horrible accident. You fell asleep in a Sticky Hair Donut factory accidentally, and now have one stuck to your head. What's that? Oh, you did that on PURPOSE? I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that anyone on earth would utilize a hairstyle that had the word "sock" in it -- much less, an actual sock. Thankfully, my SBMS, a small department within the FBI, will tend to this societal crime by using stealthy tracking methods and specialized hair donut-removing scissors called Bun-inators. Then these tragically stylish people will have an instant pixie cut -- a much more socially acceptable fad.

3. Remove boot cuffs from reality.

These are socks. Except they AREN'T. They're LIES. These little devices of calf falsehood convince everyone that you are warm and snuggly and wearing fancy woolen socks hand knit by Peruvian sheep. But you're not. You're wearing tights or leggings and want the rustic, outdoorsy Scottish highlander look of thousands of mountain-ready layers without the sweat and boot-stank. You are not a female Aragorn. You have never braved moors or bogs or swamps or the Appalachian Trail or a Middle Earth winter in your $120 "riding" boots. Do not cuff them to make us believe so. Or I will cuff you.







4. End the high/low insanity.

Is it a long dress? Is it a short dress? We'll never know. This style perfectly displays your nubbly knees to the world, not that anyone asked to see them. It looks either like a short dress with a tail on it, or a long dress that my SBMS took their Bun-inators to. Speaking of which, once all the sock buns are taken care of, I'll put my SBMS guys right on the high/low crisis. The "dress tail" tripping problem, much like Rapunzel with her hair, will be snipped out of existence.No longer will Forever 21 pseudo-fashionistas have to get their 5-inch heels caught in the flowy polyester of a high-low dress on their way to Claire's ever again.





5. Fill in all the cutouts.

We've all experienced this terrible tragedy. "Ooh what a cute top/dress/normal piece of clothing!" Upon lifting said item off of the rack for a closer look, the greatest style misfortune of 2013 has just happened to you: a bizarre part of this outfit has been REMOVED by nefarious designers. Perhaps a charming heart has been cut out of the back, rendering you unable to wear a bra with it. Perhaps unflattering triangular chunks in the armpit-to-waist region are missing for your miniscule amount of torso fat to spill through. Wherever this offensive missing region has been placed on your otherwise-perfect selection, intending to be scintillating, it accomplishes just the opposite. Thanks, Urban Outfitters, for ruining all happiness and decency. I wanted a little black dress, and got a little black mess.


We're not even going to discuss rompers, because I think common sense is already taking care of that one and doesn't need my help.

So. Do you agree or disagree? If you were the boss of the fashion world, what would you abolish?