a heavy heart.

I'm finding myself here again on my rambling way toward actually writing a paper. All my deep thoughts happen before I begin a paper.

I have been attempting to emotionally process the news I received this afternoon that a friend from church, Faith Helbig, passed away yesterday on a hiking trip. I was never really very close to her but she was always so sassy it was impossible not to like her. She was a wonderful person, and I always wished I knew her better. We got to go on several camp trips together and I always saw her every week at church and youth group from most of middle and high school.

I feel so disconnected from the whole thing. It doesn't seem real. My heart is heavy for the Helbigs, especially Johnny, her older brother and a good friend of mine. I just want to be home today. I want to be near them and near my whole church. I've just been praying a lot.

And I am just generally homesick. I really miss Caleb and Elijah more than I ever have at college, and I feel like I'm missing so much of their lives being away.

Today I went for a walk with my friend Carrie. It was sunny and beautiful. It felt like a miracle, because it made me forget how much I want to be home.

I don't believe life will get easier when I graduate, or that I'll have more time. I think a large piece of becoming an adult is not believing that the grass is greener on the other side. I don't think I'll be happier or less stressed or have more time to write or read or exercise after I graduate. I know that as soon as I get home, I'll wish I was back at Grove City with my friends all living right down the hall, and miss my roommate, and wish I had a schedule and a to-do list to keep me on my toes. And I don't particularly enjoy Jersey, or my town even, and especially do not miss my church.

But those people back home are my family. And right now, I wish with all my heart that I was back home, with my brothers and parents, with everyone from church and youth group, supporting the Helbigs right now.  I really do. I want to wake up in my bed at home tomorrow morning, go upstairs, hug my mom, and be able to go to the funeral. I hope I can.