small denial

I've thinking a lot - A LOT - about denial of self. And how bad I am at it.
This morning as I brushed my teeth, I began to imagine my great and glorious plans for My Day. The people I would inspire. The beautiful clothes I would wear. The projects I would accomplish. The things I would organize. I put on my makeup and perfume, thinking about the certain guys I'd like to look at me. I'd only been fully awake for 2 minutes, and I'm already in this world of ME. I sat down at my desk, stuck in this...kind of motorized thinking? The kind of chugging train of thought about me, my life, my concerns, my interests, that make God feel like an interruption.

Let me say that again.
///// God in the morning feels like an interruption to me.

I'm very, very sad to report how hard it was to listen to the Spirit yelling in my head to pick up my Bible. To accept the encounter God was trying to initiate. My arm was like lead, reaching for my Bible. But I read a chapter of 1 Corinthians. It was just good. For two reasons.

The first is just that engaging God's words He chose to say to the world is always good, whether or not it feels good or not or inspires me or not. It's reading a letter from my closest friend written to me years ago. I've left it unopened on my desk. Thankfully, what's written inside is still completely newsworthy and relevant as it was when he wrote it. I'm kind of a dopey friend to not even think about reading the letter, or writing back. But He loves me anyway. Best friend EVER!!

The second -- and maybe more important this morning -- was the denial part. That moment where I gave in to what God is gracefully shaping me to want. He's renewing my mind and radically changing what I desire, from the ground up. MIRACLE. IN MY HEART. RIGHT NOW. The reaching, the wanting is coming from Him. Denying all my plans and my me-ness is the way He is bringing me closer to Him.
And it interrupted me enough to make me want something other than being in control.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." 
Matthew 16:24

 I'm coming.