Right now

Well, I'm sitting in Beans on Broad and trying not to cry.

It's weird. I'm typing out my syllabi for the semester and sipping lukewarm cafe au lait and listening to a familiar set of songs. And I am terrified and my heart is breaking.

As I pulled out of my driveway on my way back to school a week or so, I cried. A lot. I had to drive slow until I stopped crying. Why did I cry? I was allowing myself to acknowledge my absolute terror of what lies ahead, the in-between place called LIFE that it so intimidating to me. I like feeling cocky and fearless. I did not like that feeling. But it was good, because my raw little heart was ready in that moment for the soothing balm of God's peace, and trusting in Him. And that was my beginning.

I have found myself several times today longing. Not for anything in particular, just longing. A regular prayer of my heart is , "God, I desire." ...what? A relationship? A place to go after I graduate? A solid friend group? It's very funny to me, because the answer is always MORE GOD ALL THE TIME MORE MORE MORE. The thing I am longing for is more God. I desire Him..the very most basic and necessary thing I could ever have a desire for.

This is pretty incoherent. Which is a good way of showing how I am feeling in this season of my life. But although it can't be very well-articulated, the summary of it is I want more God. It's that desire that nudges at me wherever I go, whatever conversation I have, whatever I do. More. Maybe that's why I cried in my car. I am scared and confident, inadequate and assured, terrified and faithful, looking ahead and being present. I am all of those things, and more. And I have never been more thankful for the Holy Spirit than I am today. I would be lost without the still, small voice, urging me to pray for things I did not know needed prayer, and reading familiar Bible passages in brand-new ways.

I'm waiting peacefully and fearfully for the wisdom to discern what the next step of my post-grad life should be. Until then, I am prayerfully desiring and longing for my favorite Person ever, and learning to trust Him in my in-betweens.

SET YOUR MIND ON THE THINGS THAT ARE ABOVE....(Col 3:2)