Today is the first day of this semester that I have overwhelmingly and powerfully wanted to be anywhere but here. I want to run away from stupid hangups that nag at me. I want to stop thinking about things that I don't want to matter. I'd rather be thinking about God and his kingdom. I want to stop feeling unimportant, like the words I say just vaporize pointlessly into the air, unheard and empty. I want to stop feeling unwanted, like my personality is a condition I was born with that I must constantly stifle in order to appear like an adult worthy of respect and a woman worthy of love. I want to genuinely love the person in front of me, instead of thinking about myself. And when I can't do that, I just want to curl up on my couch and wallow in regret and frustration until I let God let me love them better.
I'd like to believe in my heart what I believe in my head, which that humility is not insignificance, and that God makes everything beautiful in its time.
I know I will grow beautiful in my time. And I can try to accept the grace I'm given by God as I let Him humble me and pry my idols from out of my fingers.
Psalm 37:3-7
ReplyDeleteOur Father loves you, and God died for you. He hears your prayers and knows the desires of your heart. "Do not fret," but "commit your ways to the Lord."
Colossians 1:3-23
The first half I will pray for us, that we may endure and have great patience according to God's glorious might, giving thanks in all circumstances. And the second half is the gospel on which we stand. I remind myself of it as you have so often done with me.