what's up

no, not you. i meant me.
sorry! i suck at titles. seriously, my first novel (12 pages....hey, i was 9) was called the Secret of Mary Smith. Seriously. Mary Smith.

Anyway. I went to Florida, which was humid and educational. Humid because it is a freakish land down there where people don't walk through the air, they have to swim.
Educational because I met 400 people with more experience than me with life. So, answer to prayer. I was visiting my Mimi and Ted in Vero. They run a refuge for emotionally damaged women, and I hung out with the staff a lot of the time, or people that have graduated the program. We ate out a lot, shopped, went to a C.S. Lewis convention, kayaked, swam, and visited a bajillion people.
So now I'm still recovering from a whole week of people actively listening to me, and actually caring, understanding, and liking what I say, being amused by my company, and teaching me a lot about marriage and friends and *cough* driving.

Then I went to Camp Delaware with some other homeschool families, which sounds like a camp but it really isn't, it's a giant house on top of a hill and you can see the Delaware river roll by as you sip hazelnut coffee on a porch swing reading Tess of the D'Urbervilles.
So we canoed (which I learned the hard way should never be done with two teenage boys high on soda), tubed in FREEZING FREEZING FREEZING water, hiked a miserable hike up a mountain, which was rewarding at the top, as all good mountain hikes are, and drove around a lot in golf carts. I firmly believe that if everyone rode around in golf carts and not SUVs, we'd all be happier. Golf carts are awesome.

I've been trying to process all this, but gave up. Something I committed to is reading the Bible through a year. I'm already on day 9. It's something much more solemn than "oh I wanna read the Bible." I'm treating it much more seriously than a whim.
The cool thing about this Bible (the 24/7 Bible) is that it's chronological, so as I read Genesis, I'm reading bits of Chronicles too. And it's separated into days so that I always know what to read. I'm liking it so far, except I still don't get why God tested Abraham about Isaac if he already knew he was a good guy. Maybe that shows the extent of how free will reaches down into our faith? And God tests that?
Also, it's weird to think about people marrying a) their half-sister b) their mistress c) random girls at wells and d)all of the above. It's gross. It's a good system to propagate growth of a race. Sucky way to run a household.
Also, Abimilech is a loser. So was Lot. And so was Laban.
If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you've seriously missed out on Human Race 101. 9 days and I'm already learning so much about our murderous, jealous, strange, uncomfortable, and sexy history. All found in the cute little Bible you have sitting by your bed with the cute verses in the Beatitudes all underlined. You only have a chunk of the story.
Two girls in my church did not know the book of Song of Solomon existed. THAT my friends was a hilarious 10 minutes. "This stuff made its way into the Bible??!" You know Jewish men in certain Jewish denominations aren't allowed to read that book until they're 35. Interesting book. You'll never look at a gazelle the same way again.

Gotta sleep. Definitely gotta sleep if the post has made its way to Biblical boob metaphors.

On Being a Woman

There comes a time in girlhood when it is no longer girlhood. This is usually called the end. Then womanhood falls thickly upon girlhood like a warm blanket, and everything changes. This is the simple way to say it -- "changes" -- but it is really more complicated than a word could say. It is the time when the small wishes in your girlish heart become more vivid and real, when a prince transforms from something you playact with your friends about into something you will cry yourself sore deep into the night about. I could try to explain it to the non-women -- try to explain the pang of beauty that will strike us in a simple song, enough to make it haunt us for months -- try to explain the glint of a jar or jewel or river and why it reminds us of the future -- try to bottle the smells of forest and sea and make you all see it through our eyes -- try to tell you why we will remember a stranger's smile and forget where we saw it, and when -- try to explain the little cry you feel inside when you watch a movie kiss -- try to explain all the things we still are just beginning to grasp, and fail. It is for the discoverer to find. Our special hearts are caches full of secrets, ready to give away any to the first offer. Secrets like twirling skirts and listening for an hour and babies and recipes and crying and everything else we hide up inside because we are taught that they are unwanted. That is why they are secrets. And no matter how much I wish I could tell you why I love sunlight and country roads so much, it would not make sense to you. Maybe, if you do not have secrets, and you have never understood a meadow, you have the better deal in the end, because you are not waiting forever to be discovered.

Desperation (aka appeal #2)

OH AMERICA WHERE IS OUR DESPERATION?
Did we leave it between the seat cushions of our armchair Christianity?
Our brotherhood is dead!
This age of science and reason has eaten us up and spat us out, killing faith and leaving us BUMBLING, APATHETIC CARTOONS.
LOVE YOUR GOD oh hypocrites!
LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR oh judgmental people!
LOVE YOURSELVES oh bulimic gymnasium masses!
These anthems we sing are echoes of a holy dream, so take your outstretched hands down from the air and listen
take your dancing feet and lace them up with combat boots
grab the words you sing and strap them across your chest like grenades,
bury your selfishness and arise from the soggy lie that is your life and LIVE.
Our feet are stuck in quicksand apathy.
Our hands are tied by our own comfort.
When was the last time we made God laugh for joy?
Toting love like a brand, sipping our fair-trade coffee like justice is just another t-shirt to buy,
parroting verses to make our parents happy.
What do they even mean?
OH GOD we lost you in the laundry washing our designer clothes.
OH GOD we lost you when we traded in YOUR LOVE for a boyfriend, YOUR PEACE for a different high.
OH GOD pull us out of independence.
Pull us back where we belong, a state of complete loss, of brokenness.
HELP US FIND YOU IN OUR DESPERATION.

it's saturday

I want a backpack badly.
Excited to go to Florida to visit grandparents. Not excited about Florida, about the grandparents. They're very cool.
I should read Wuthering Heights. Am I the only idiot who gets turned off of books because of font size or type? It's brilliant gothic prose, but in one of those squeeze-a-chapter-onto-a-page dollar editions. So I haven't read it. It's like Jane Eyre, except without orphans and more plot confusion. And it smells weird.
BreakING NEWS. i found my cherished peter pan dvd under old boxes while sorting cassette tapes. i have been searching for this dumb dvd for months. I have watched it 17 times. soon to be 18. It's my favorite movie. duh.
I can't really think of anything else to say..

blechh.

my head hurts. specifically, one side of my head.

i actually forgot where the comma button was for a second.

and it's called a key, not a button.

help.

pandora = love

permit test = dumb

me = procrastinator

tomorrow morning = coming too soon

me = going to sleep now

i have to admit it's getting bett-ah

romans 12 is like a slap in the face. so are wise people.

being thankful in all things sucks. i also can't make it happen in my head. so i try to make it happen in my actions.