The idea of having children, not in a technical way but just...the whole idea, fascinates me. To bring into the world something that is from myself...to be part of this grand old system our creator thought up. It's fills me with a sense of purpose to even consider it.
I don't know about other girls, but for me, my purpose in the large sense of things seems smaller than a man's. His is to lead, guide, suffer, fight, etc. - ours is to love and protect and have children. It seems kind of anticlimactic.
But is it really? Is motherhood such a dead-end job?
I used to hate children. I used to hate marriage and men and love. I have no problem admitting that. My friends called me a little feminist.
But now....i don't know. The word beautiful doesn't cover motherhood. Is loving and guiding and teaching such a horrible thing? I think motherhood is one of the most complicated, suffering, heart-breaking, never-ending jobs in the world. Which is why I will try.
I feel a bit strange talking about this, I mean, I'm only 15, aren't I a bit young to be thinking about having kids?
A close friend of mine recently told me that now, while I am still young, is the time to sort out what I believe about marriage and children, because those ideas will truly shape the decisions I make in my future life. There's a whole bunch of truth in that.
[I hate preaching, but sometimes it's completely unavoidable. If you can't handle it, go read Vogue or Twilight or something.]
**BEGIN SERMON.**
This is why I am protecting myself now.
A funny thing happened a week ago. When I told my mother I slightly liked a boy in a non-frightening, non-stalker-y, non-crushed way, she immediately ordered me a book on emotional purity. A strange phrase indeed, and it did make me roll my eyes.
But I had the good fortune of getting over myself enough to pick it up.
I am a changed person.
Emotional purity, by my definition/paraphrase, is making sure you don't get in too deep with a guy emotionally without understanding his intentions first. I've had situations where I was not sure whether or not a guy was interested in me, and *slightly* fell for him, then was crushed when I found out he wasn't interested in me in that way. Also, I've had wonderful relationships where it's quite obvious "we're just friends" is our motto. And it's a beautiful thing.
So all that crap about "staying pure" isn't just about your body, but mostly about your heart. It's not a case of waiting til marriage, but a consideration of the other person's future spouse as well. "Would his future wife be happy that I told him this?" is usually a good question to ask yourself.
**PREACHING OVER.**
Thank you for living through that. I just had to get that off my chest.
Oh wait. This entry is way too long. I'll just post more in a sec, I hate long blog entires. Pet peeve. One of the many, that is.
Saturday, October 11
it feels like morning still
but it's not. it's moments like these that i smile and close my eyes and love this Saturday, lazy blissfulness. The leaves outside are just beginning to fall. Fall always makes me a little sad, but it's a happy-sad, a heartbreaking, heart-aching sad. The kind that reminds you to hold onto things a little harder.
I don't know if that makes any sense.
Mein Gott. I like blogger better than wordpress.
haha.....i chose this template because it reminded me of Harvey Cedars. The sad thing is, once you get so emotionally and spiritually attached to a physical location, everything you see or hear starts reminding you of it. oh well. it's pretty anyways.
I don't know if that makes any sense.
Mein Gott. I like blogger better than wordpress.
haha.....i chose this template because it reminded me of Harvey Cedars. The sad thing is, once you get so emotionally and spiritually attached to a physical location, everything you see or hear starts reminding you of it. oh well. it's pretty anyways.
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